The Kiss Of The Vampire (2025) Review: A Tedious Watch -

The Kiss of a Vampire Review

By: Alyse Wax

Normally I start off my review with a brief recap of the plot. But this film, The Kiss of a Vampire, didn’t seem to have a plot. A couple gets married in a Catholic ceremony, move to backwoods Appalachia, where Carol (Saporah Bonnette) spends her days wandering around in the same dress, talking to the priest at the local Catholic church, spying on the local bordello, and visiting a fortune teller. Frederick (Philip Hulford), the town doctor, presumably, spends his days doctoring around town. He only ever seems to show up as night falls, to whisk Carol off for sex.

Frederick is obviously the vampire, even before he bites a neck. He’s British, and he only wears shirts with lacing at the neck. Yet he can walk in the sunlight, and does not have an aversion to religious iconography. He impregnates Carol, then we learn from a slayer (Emma Hayley Jensen) who shows up in the final third of the movie that Frederick must be killed during a full moon before the baby is born, otherwise it will be born a vampire. The slayer comes out of nowhere, and does a lot more chatting than slaying.

My biggest problem with this movie was actually the sound design. You could hear the actors just fine, but many of the scenes were just… silent. No score, and for a large portion of the film, no room tone either. It was weirdly silent. When there was score (which was mostly during the sex scenes), it was all just generic classical music that felt like it was from a clips package.

Carol and Frederick have no chemistry together. Their sex scenes were always in slow motion, with that horrible generic music that does not match their “sex faces” which suggests, in some cases, that the sex was more vigorous than the music would allow for. It does not make for sexy time. Weirdly, the slayer has sex with one of the bordello girls, and it feels like an excuse to have a girl-on-girl sex scene, more than it feels like it is essential for the plot.

In addition, there was no gore or action in the film. If you are advertising something as a horror film, you need to have at least some gore or action; otherwise you will leave viewers wanting. A few drips of blood after a semi-sensual bite isn’t going to cut it.

Honestly, it felt more like The Kiss of a Vampire was meant as a soft-core porno than a horror movie. It’s a very bland vampire flick with lots of unnecessary sex scenes. It may be best suited for fans of the Twilight movies. Poor sex scenes, no action, no gore, and plenty of technical issues (several scenes at the beginning were shot weirdly, with not enough light, causing the actors to nearly be blacked out) make this a film that doesn’t fit into any genre neatly, and is a slow, tedious watch.